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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28871280">I'm Not Tired</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jonch_Bakerello/pseuds/Jonch_Bakerello'>Jonch_Bakerello</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>CHiPs (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anniversary, Anxiety, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Bakerello, Cuddling &amp; Snuggling, Cute, Depression, Eating Disorders, Fear, Fear of Death, Grossie is eavesdropping, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Jeb knows everything, Jon is understanding and sweet, Jonch, LGBTQ Themes, Lies, Multi, Ponch is a mess, Protective Jon, Rape/Non-con Elements, Roses, Sad, Secrets, Self Harm, Shock, Sleeping Together, Sleepy Cuddles, Suicidal Thoughts, Three Year Anniversary, Unplanned Pregnancy, candle lit dinner, gender swap</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 06:41:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,713</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28871280</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jonch_Bakerello/pseuds/Jonch_Bakerello</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Note: This story is AU</p><p>Sometimes tiredness goes beyond being physically tired. Sometimes tiredness is mental exhaustion. Tired of keeping secrets that make you feel you're protecting yourself. Keep secrets that were supposed to make life easier, but instead are making it all the harder. Ponch has a lot of secrets being kept from Jon...how's Jon and everyone else going to react when they find out?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Barry Baricza/Jeb Turner, Harlan Arliss/Joe Getraer, Joe Getraer &amp; Francis "Ponch" Poncherello, Jonathan "Jon" Baker &amp; Francis "Ponch" Poncherello, Jonathan "Jon" Baker/Francis "Ponch" Poncherello</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Officer Jon Baker got into his car, having just finished his shift. He couldn’t wait to get home to his darling boyfriend. His boyfriend, Frank Poncherello (Ponch), had been lucky to get the day off...however not so lucky with the circumstances. </p><p>Ponch had gotten in an accident recently, that ended in an injured shoulder. He’d been on light duty since, but took a few days off just to get away from the desk. </p><p>Since he was injured, Jon offered to let him stay over for a while. They would have moved in together a while ago, had it not been for the fact they were still trying to keep their relationship a secret. </p><p>Three years had gone by, and Jon wished he could just announce to everyone that he and Ponch were a happy couple. That he wanted to marry him...that they had a whole future together to look forward to. </p><p>Instead they had to go on, playing the best friends act. They were best friends, but also lovers. </p><p>Jon often feared what might happen if someone were to find out. He didn’t mind so much telling someone he was in a relationship with a man. The problem was how they responded. </p><p>He couldn’t tell his friends, because most of them worked the same job. The same shift even, what would Getraer say if he found out his two best motorcycle officers were also dating...even sleeping together? </p><p>Would they lose their jobs for being bisexual? </p><p>Jon shook his head. He knew he wasn’t the only one with the fears of what would happen. </p><p>Jon hadn’t seen his best friend cry much at all, until the day Jon had told him he loved him. Ever since then he’d seen tears on more than one occasion. </p><p>Dating while being hated by the public for going against the norm wasn’t easy. But no one ever said falling in love was a piece of cake. </p><p>Driving out of the parking lot, he turned on the radio. “Maybe they’ll play something good on my way home,” he thought out loud. Instead he was greeted with millions of commercials, the commercials lasting half his trip home. After a while, he’d grown tired and shut the radio off. </p><p>Only a few blocks from his apartment, it hit him, he forgot to stop by the store. “If I don’t get Ponch a gift for our anniversary…” he started, shaking his head. “I don’t think I’ll ever hear the end of that.” He turned, and headed for the nearest flower shop. </p><p>The sign glowed on the front window, letting him now it was still open. Good thing too, he wasn’t sure what he’d do if he couldn’t get flowers. He parked, shut the car off, and ran inside. </p><p>“Last minute flowers for your girl?” the woman at the counter asked. </p><p>Jon smiled slightly. “Is it that obvious?” </p><p>“You ran through the door, like a man on a mission. I’ve seen that act before. What’s the occasion?” </p><p>“It’s our three year anniversary of when we started dating.” Jon felt proud of himself for remembering. He’d had trouble keeping track of dates in the past, but when it came to something as important as this...was it possible to forget? </p><p>“Aww!” the woman smiled brightly. “What type of flower are you looking for then? I mean, what’s her favorite?” </p><p>Jon bit his lip. <em> Always assuming it’s for a girl. </em>“Oh, uh his favorite are the red roses, do you have three dozen? I’m thinking a dozen for each year would be good.” </p><p>“He?” the tone of her voice changed significantly. She crossed her arms over her chest. </p><p>“Look, if you have a problem with that, I can take my business elsewhere. Otherwise, I’d like to get three dozen red roses and get back home to my boyfriend if that’s okay?” He did his best to not raise his voice, but he didn’t hide the anger, hurt and annoyance. </p><p>She huffed, and took Jon to the roses. </p><p>CHPCHPCHPCHP</p><p>At Jon’s apartment, Ponch hurriedly set the table, knowing Jon could be home any moment. He wanted tonight to be special. As if every night with Jon wasn’t already special enough. </p><p>Ponch had been busy making food, and decorating the apartment. He wasn’t usually good at cleaning the place up, which Jon knew long before they even started sharing their apartments with each other. </p><p>He did do his best, and because he loved Jon, he worked extra hard these days to try to keep things the way Jon liked it. </p><p>He glanced at the clock. Jon could be there any second now. Ponch walked back into the kitchen, to grab the pasta he’d made.  </p><p>Jon enjoyed Ponch's cooking, Ponch hadn't been cooking much of anything the last few weeks though, due to tiredness then injury. </p><p>It would be a pleasant surprise, or at least he hoped. He glanced at the clock again. "Anytime now." He lit the candles that had been placed on each side of the table. </p><p>A candle lit dinner would be romantic, right? He hoped it'd make up for the fact he hadn't gotten Jon's gift yet. </p><p>Making dinner, lighting candles, and making a card would be good enough, right? <em> God I hope he doesn't hate me for this.  </em></p><p>He'd just finished lighting the second candle, when he heard the key in the door. He felt his heart skip a beat. The love of his life was home safe. </p><p>The knob turned, and in walked Jon, arms full of roses. </p><p>"Jon?" </p><p>The blonde smiled. "Happy anniversary, honey," he said, handing over the flowers. </p><p>Ponch felt tears forming in the corners of his eyes, his heart full of happiness. "Jon, they're beautiful!" He gratefully accepted the flowers, then went to the kitchen to find a vase or two. </p><p>"I see you've been busy too," Jon commented, seeing the table. "It smells good"</p><p>"I hope it tastes as good as it smells," Ponch commented from the kitchen. </p><p>"I'm sure it will, I trust the chef." Jon leaned in the doorway, watching Ponch arranging the flowers into a large vase. <em> How did I get so lucky?  </em></p><p>Ponch took a moment to breathe in the fresh scent of the roses again. He glanced back a second, to smile at Jon. Once turned back to the vase, he didn't notice the blonde man move from the doorway, into the kitchen. </p><p>He felt the sudden touch of Jon's arms wrapping around him from behind. His chin finding a place against Ponch's uninjured shoulder, so he could lay his head close to Ponch's. Brushing their cheeks together softly. "I missed you today." </p><p>"I missed you too. It gets pretty lonely in your apartment without you." </p><p>When Jon lifted his head, Ponch turned to face him, wrapping his own arms around his boyfriend. "Happy anniversary, babe," he said, leaning in to give him a kiss. </p><p>Jon smiled, kissing back, pulling Ponch closer to him. "I love you." He tried to be careful with the hug, so he wouldn't irritate Ponch's shoulder, but it was pretty clear Ponch had almost fully recovered. Which had been exactly what he was trying to tell Jon earlier that morning. </p><p>"I love you too, Baker." </p><p>CHPCHPCHPCHP</p><p>Dinner had been somewhat quiet, which wasn't normal. Jon guessed it was because Ponch was tired, he didn't have to say the words. Jon could read it in his eyes. So now came the part of the night, where Jon attempted to get Ponch to rest. </p><p>Jon sat in bed, his back against the wall, he hadn't felt like laying down quite yet.  <em> Maybe I can play him a song again? </em>Jon thought, glancing to his guitar that sat, leaning against the wall to his right. </p><p>He'd barely gotten time to think about what he might play, when Ponch happily bounced into the room. "Popcorn and a movie?" He didn't really want to watch a movie, he wanted to cuddle with Jon and fall asleep. But would he admit that? No way!</p><p>Jon shook his head, "I think I'll pass. Are you sure you're not tired?" He'd asked at dinner already, and he could tell the sudden energy was forced. Ponch wasn't fooling him one bit. </p><p>Ponch smiled slightly, and shook his head. "Oh, so <b> <em>that's</em> </b> why you moved in here!" He laughed. "You think you can get me to fall asleep again, like last night."</p><p><em> And the night before… </em> Jon smiled, and shook his head playing innocent. "Who me? I hadn't thought of it." </p><p>Ponch smiled. "Jon-"</p><p>"Will you sit with me?" </p><p>Ponch thought about it for a second, there was no harm in sitting with him, right? He shrugged, "tell me about your day," Ponch said, as he crawled in bed. He cuddled up to Jon, then reached for his hand to hold. </p><p>Jon carefully pulled the covers up over both of them, hoping not to bump Ponch's sore shoulder. Being as there was no cry of pain, he assumed he was successful. "Oh, it was the same as any other day." He took Ponch's hand, gently rubbing his thumb against it. </p><p>"Yeah?" Ponch yawned, laying his head on Jon. "Getraer didn't miss me?" </p><p>"I think everyone missed you, honey." </p><p>Ponch smiled slightly. "Mhmm." He lightly squeezed Jon's hand. "I'm sorry I didn't get you a gift as good as the flowers you got me." </p><p>Jon shook his head. "You made an amazing dinner. You made me a card, which I love. But I think what's most important is you have stuck around three years. Things haven't always been easy, but just waking up each day knowing I get to spend it with my best friend is a gift enough. Loving me is the best gift you've ever given." </p><p>Ponch playfully punched Jon's thigh, he was too lazy to sit up and punch his arm. "I wasn't expecting you to start getting cheesy with me." He laughed. </p><p>"I hope you know I meant every word." Jon took Ponch's hand in his again. "I love you, Ponch." </p><p>Ponch nodded, his eyes closing. "I love you too...Jon." He had already begun his drift off to sleep. </p><p>Jon smiled, rubbing his thumb along Ponch's hand again. "I really never thought I would be this happy. I never thought I'd have someone as special as you to spend my life with." He paused, when he could hear soft snores coming from his partner. He smiled again. <em> I knew you were tired. </em>"Good night, babe." </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>When Ponch woke up the next morning, she was still curled up underneath the blanket. Jon wasn't in bed anymore though. She sighed, Jon always woke up long before she did. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She started to close her eyes again, she didn't have to work once again...and sleep sounded pretty good. She yawned, glancing over to the bedside table, there was a note. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Ponch moved closer to the table, reached out and grabbed the note, then skimmed it over. She smiled, "maybe I should get up today." She could hear Jon singing in the shower, so she crawled out of bed and went to see if the door was unlocked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was only recently that Ponch had gotten comfortable walking in on Jon while he was showering. Before that, she'd usually just wait for the water to shut off so Jon could hear her knock. Reason being, Ponch never let Jon come in on her. So walking in on Jon hardly seemed fair. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jon really didn't mind, he liked seeing Ponch. Now he usually looked forward to her coming in, sitting in the corner of the room and singing with Jon. Then when the water shut off, they'd talk. Maybe someday she'd actually hop in the shower with him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jon was surprised by Ponch's reluctance to do so. He'd been under the impression Ponch was used to showering with another person, used to sleeping with another person, used to having sex etc etc. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But having spent the past three years dating, he quickly found that Ponch actually wasn't used to any of that. And she'd only ever implied it, so that some of the guys at the station would make her feel like she fit in. This revelation shocked the blonde officer, and also made him wish he could have known sooner. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The guys could think what they want, but having to come up with an entirely different way to present yourself, just to fit in...that didn't sit well with Jon. He still wished he could clear everything up, but it wasn't exactly his job. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>He still wished he could have known sooner and said something, so his partner didn't have to spend so much time beating herself up over what she'd told the guys, just to fit in. </span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>"You don't have to change yourself just to fit in with the guys. They'll like you no matter what," Jon had said. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Ponch bit her lip. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>If only Jon knew, that wasn’t even the half of it. Half the women she'd told them about, didn't actually exist...or they were stories from years ago. If Ponch were being truly honest, everyone would know that well, for one Ponch was actually female. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>If she were being honest, they’d know she had only dated four people outside of high school, the rest were just friends that she’d go out for dinner with. They’d know she’d never experienced consensual sex. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not even Jon knew her secret, it hurt too much to tell. What hurt more was being loved by someone who didn’t really know her. How could she do that to Jon? She quietly sat in the bathroom, listening to Jon sing. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Three full years of lying to his face. Good job, Ponch. </span>
  </em>
  <span>She rolled her eyes, tears starting to form. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Shit, I can’t do this anymore. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Saved by the fact Jon was still in the shower, she slipped out of the room. Taking a few quick glances around the apartment, she felt more tears forming. “I really fucked this up,” she muttered, grabbing her bag and heading for the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She stopped by the kitchen and wrote a quick note to Jon </span>
</p><p>
  <span>‘heading home for a while, see you later.’ </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Short, sweet and to the point. Hopefully Jon didn’t think he’d done anything wrong…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>CHPCHPCHPCHP</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When Jon got out of the shower, he headed for the bedroom, expecting to find his boyfriend. Instead he found an unmade bed, and his note left on the pillow. “Must’ve gone to make breakfast,” he thought out loud. He went to the closet, his towel dropping to the floor, as he pulled out his uniform to dress for the day. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The fact he couldn’t smell anything cooking, coupled with the fact it was Ponch’s day off and there was no way, he'd be up already told Jon something was wrong. He dressed quickly and headed into the main room, he didn’t see Ponch’s bag anymore. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Leaving without saying goodbye? </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He walked into the kitchen, finding the note. Jon shook his head. “I did something wrong…” he assumed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>CHPCHPCHPCHP</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Your partner coming back anytime soon?” Grossie asked, as he took a seat beside Jon in the briefing room. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jon shrugged. “I think he said his shoulder was doing better. I’d expect to see him back by Monday if not before,” he replied. </span>
  <em>
    <span>At least I think his shoulder is better. I didn’t see him this morning. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Grossie nodded, sipping his coffee. “Good, we all miss him.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jon bit his lip. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Me too. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Briefing went by quick, Jon didn’t pay attention to half of it, his mind elsewhere. Who could blame him? He spent the briefing replaying over and over in his head all that had happened last night. Was there something he’d done that upset him? The note he left only said ‘I love you, babe. Have a good day.’ </span>
</p><p>
  <span>So the likelihood of that being the issue was next to none. He had to have done something. The thought never occurred to him that the problem might not even be him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The entire shift he’d spent thinking of ways to fix what happened. But how could he fix what he didn’t know was wrong? After work, he wasn’t sure whether or not he was supposed to call or go see Ponch...or leave him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>But not knowing anything made it hard to sit still, so he headed for Taco Bell. He was going to bring dinner. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>CHPCHPCHPCHP</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At Ponch’s apartment, she’d spent most of the day crying. She cleaned every inch of the place, taking breaks on occasion, when she couldn’t see through her tears.  </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“He’s gonna hate me. They’re all gonna hate me...I’m so stupid,” she muttered, as she stood in the mirror. She’d tried on an old dress from before she even knew Jon. The dress still fit, but was looser than it had been years ago. Courtesy of her horrible eating habits. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She ran her fingers through her long wavy hair. It’d been a while, since she’d just kept it down and enjoyed it. Instead she’d kept it hidden underneath a short haired wig. Hoping and praying everyday it looked real enough and felt real enough that no one noticed. Hoping and praying each night, Jon didn’t find out the truth and just pull it off her head. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’d deserve it though. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>She smoothed the wrinkles, and turned sideways, trying to take a moment to just remember what she looked like. Keeping her identity a secret had become more of a chore than a protection. She cried most nights after pulling her costume off, and just letting herself be female again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jon’s going to kill me...Joe’s going to kill me...the guys are going to hate me.” She turned back, forward facing the mirror. </span>
  <em>
    <span>I’m scared. </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>She could feel her heart beating fast, her insides in knots. “How did you let it get this bad?” she ran her fingers through her hair again. Playing with her hair had been her go to anxious habit for years. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>A shiver ran down her spine, she wasn’t sure if it was fear or if the room was chilly. As she reached back to grab the zipper and unzip her dress, she heard the sound of the front door opening. “Shit!” She stumbled backwards, falling to the floor. The sound sending panic through her body. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She tried to stand, to hide, but her legs refused to move. Her body trembling. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s over...</span>
  </em>
  <span>her eyes filled with tears again. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Ponch,” came the voice of Jon. He set the Taco Bell on the counter. “I know there aren’t many lights on, so I hope you’re not asleep. But, I wanted to apologized for whatever I did. You think we can talk?” he spoke still from the kitchen. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She crawled towards the closet, crawling being the only method for moving that she could accomplish. Though it was slow. “Fuck…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You’re not asleep, are you?” Jon asked. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She could hear his voice getting closer, he was coming to the bedroom. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“When I read your note, I thought I did something wrong. But, I don’t know what it is. I couldn’t sleep...maybe you can tell me?” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>She could see him in the doorway. Even if she didn’t see him, she could already sense his presence. More tears filled her eyes. “J-Jon…” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>His blue eyes widened, seeing a young woman laying on Ponch’s bedroom floor. Had it not been for the fact his mind went instantly to anger, he might have noticed that some of her characteristics were like Ponch’s. Instead he thought he was being cheated on. “So that’s why you left? You’re with someone else? Ponch, we’ve been together three years! How could you do this...where are you?!” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shakily, she stood to her feet. “Jon, listen.” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“So he told you my name too, huh? You knew he was cheating and you just-” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Jon, </span>
  <b>
    <em>he </em>
  </b>
  <span>didn’t tell me anything!” she cut him off. “He didn’t tell me anything, because I already know. I’m </span>
  <b>
    <em>him!</em>
  </b>
  <span>” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jon blinked, confused. “P-Ponch? But you-” </span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry...you weren’t supposed to find out like this.” </span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I thank my friend for helping me out with this idea, and really working me through the main plot. I hope y'all enjoy. this is going to be a roller coaster.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>I did a little jumping around. But this chapter was some background to set up the next chapter. :)</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jon sat at the foot of Ponch’s bed, staring at her in disbelief. “So, what I’m hearing is you’ve been a woman this whole time?” </p><p>She bit her lip, and looked away. </p><p>Jon shook his head, and ran his fingers through his hair. “Okay, um...there’s food on the counter. I’ll be back later,” he said standing up. </p><p>Her chest ached, her heart feeling like it’d just shattered into a million pieces. She stood quickly. “Jon, look...I don’t expect you to still want to be with me. I know this isn’t exactly...well it’s not the guy you fell in love with. But can I please have a chance to explain?” tears threatened to fall, she wiped at her eyes quickly. <em>What are you doing? You don’t deserve a chance...you lied to him. </em></p><p>Jon turned to look at her. His expression soft. Whatever it is, I hope there’s a good explanation. He sat back down, and took a breath. “Look, Ponch,” he started. “I’m not leaving because of anything you did. I just uh…” <em>Don’t lie. Don’t lie</em>. “I need to run home and grab some clothes. I think I’m going to stay the night.” He mentally kicked himself, that wasn’t why he was leaving. </p><p>“O-oh, okay.” She forced a small smile. “See ya later then?” </p><p>Jon nodded. </p><p>As soon as he had left, she flopped on the bed and started crying. “I’m going to lose him.” </p><p>CHPCHPCHPCHP</p><p>Jon got in his truck, he sat there for a moment, before putting the key in the ignition. “Ponch is a woman?” he shook his head. “I don’t understand…” He started heading for his apartment. </p><p>The drive there was uneventful, he turned up the radio so he wouldn’t have to listen to his thoughts. </p><p>When he got into the apartment, he saw the pictures hanging on his wall. Pictures of him and Ponch, they were in his bedroom, and in the living room. There were a few hanging on the fridge too. Anyone that came over, would have thought it was purely for friendship...but most of the pictures were taken on their dates. </p><p>Jon smiled looking at the pictures. “What difference does it make if she’s a man or a woman? I love her…” he told himself, as he packed his bag. “I just wish she hadn’t kept that a secret for so long…” </p><p>CHPCHPCHPCHP</p><p>Ponch was still crying on her bed, when Jon came back in. She hadn’t heard the door open. </p><p>Jon noticed right away the food hadn’t been touched, so after he dropped his bag off on the couch, he picked up the Taco Bell bag. </p><p>Ponch kept her face against the bed, she didn’t move until she felt someone sit down next to her, followed by a hand on her back. She jumped. </p><p>“Sorry.” Jon pulled his hand back. </p><p>“Jon?” she rolled over to face him. “I didn’t think-” </p><p>“You didn’t think I was coming back?” </p><p>She shook her head. </p><p>Jon held her hand. “Ponch, I fell in love with you. I love you still. You’re my best friend, and as you always say, I think we’re soulmates.” He winked at her, then reached his hand over to wipe her tears. “I love you,” he repeated. </p><p>She sat up, moving closer to Jon. She leaned against him. “I love you too, Baker.” </p><p>Jon held her close to him, setting the Taco Bell bag on the bed, behind her. “I don’t expect to hear everything all at once...but, uh you said you’d tell me something at least.” </p><p>She laid her head on him. “I didn’t want to keep a secret this long. I thought I would have told you already.” She took a deep breath. “I thought that I’d fit in better if I was a man.” </p><p>“Ponch-” </p><p>She shook her head, “I know it sounds crazy, Jon...but I was tired of getting pushed around. Tired of getting told what I’m allowed to do, what I’m not allowed to do...gender roles.” She rolled her eyes. </p><p>Jon gently rubbed his thumb against her hand. “So you thought everything would be better-” </p><p>“All the guys at Central were so accepting when I walked in the first day. I see how they act around girls, Jon. My treatment would have been different...and I feel sick, that I played their game, and acted like I was going from girl to girl each day. I came home at night, and just wanted to die. But fitting in is always so damn important to me,” she said, pulling away. She stood, and started pacing. </p><p>Jon watched, wanting to tell her to sit, but he also knew sometimes she talked better if she was standing or walking...or both. </p><p>“My brother said I was crazy...that my gender wouldn’t make a difference, but you know what? He’s wrong, Jon! Getraer wouldn’t let me on a motorcycle if he knew. We don’t have any female motorcycle officers…” </p><p>Jon nodded, he couldn’t argue with that. They’d had some before, but a lot of them left. The station was predominantly male. Not even just the motorcycle cops, they had Bonnie and Sindy, and a couple others. The rest of the female staff were assigned to station work. </p><p>“I thought I’d feel better if I fit in. But I feel worse. Bonnie and Sindy fit in just fine, they’re not faking it. All I wanted was to be happy, Jon. I lied to Getraer, I lie to him every single day when I walk in that door. To him, and to everyone else at that station. They all think I’m someone else, and that person I hardly even know. I don’t like him, Jon. I just want to be me.” </p><p>“So why don’t you? I mean, I know it’ll take some time to get things sorted out. But uh, we’re family Ponch. If the guys don’t-” </p><p>“I’m not as worried about them, as I am about Getraer.” She stopped pacing, and faced Jon. “I don’t know how to tell them.” </p><p>"We'll figure it out, okay?" Jon offered, then opened his arms for a hug. </p><p>Ponch came back over, wrapping her arms around him, she knocked him back, so they were laying down. "I don't deserve you." </p><p>Jon shook his head. "And here I was thinking it was me who didn't deserve you." He smiled. </p><p>CHPCHPCHPCHP</p><p>For the next few weeks, Ponch and Jon worked and didn't say a word to anyone else about Ponch being female. </p><p>They would get together at night, and talk over the plan. But each night, they would end up becoming distracted and doing something else. </p><p>Jon had always thought Ponch wouldn't have sex with him, because he wasn't attracted to Jon like that. He didn't realize it was because he was a she, and she wasn't ready to tell Jon. So she wasn't ready to have sex. </p><p>She was scared the first night, her mind taking her back to all the times she'd been pinned down, while another man had his fun. She didn't feel any pleasure in it, it made her want to die. </p><p>She didn't know what it was like to enjoy the experience. The moment Jon got on top, she could feel her body starting to tremble. He remained gentle with her the entire night, letting her know if any of that was too much, that he'd stop. He didn't want to hurt her. He didn't want her to be afraid of him. </p><p>By the second week, she had started to become more relaxed. The tension was still there, it wouldn't go away easily. But she wanted to enjoy these special moments with Jon...and the many more to come. </p><p>It had now been, two months since the night Jon walked in on her. The night he found out the truth.</p><p>Jon would come over every morning, before work to have breakfast, then they'd go into work together. The last couple times he'd come for breakfast, he noticed she didn't seem to be feeling well. </p><p>She'd also take a lot of bathroom breaks during briefing some days, and Getraer would question later. She'd lie, saying she just had a lot of water. Getraer didn't buy it of course, but didn't know what else to say.</p><p>Jon knew she wasn't feeling well. He'd heard her throwing up in the bathroom the other night at his place. </p><p>Now as he walked into her apartment, he noticed she hadn't even gotten breakfast ready. "Ponch?" He walked through the apartment and to her bedroom, looking inside he didn't see her, but then the light in the bathroom caught his eye. </p><p>Jon walked to the bathroom. "Ponch?" He started, as he walked inside he found his girlfriend curled up on the bathroom floor, the toilet was filled with her vomit, the floor a bit of a mess as well. She had fallen asleep. </p><p>"Oh my god... you're sick," he said, as if he hadn't already suspected it. </p><p>She opened her eyes. "What?" </p><p>"Let's get you cleaned up, then we're going straight for the doctor." </p><p>"Jon-" she protested. </p><p>"No, we're going." </p><p>She sighed. <em>What's Getraer gonna say if I have to call in sick again?</em> </p><p>CHPCHPCHPCHP</p><p>"You're what!?" Getraer asked, in shock. </p><p>She knew she'd have to tell Joe her secret at some point, but this hadn't exactly been her plan. "I'm sorry?" </p><p>"Poncherello, if this is some sort of joke-" he started, then watched Jon pull her close, hugging her from behind. "Baker, you-"</p><p>"Trust me, Sarge, we planned to tell you Ponch is a girl. But we didn't plan on telling you she's pregnant, at the same time." </p><p>Joe rubbed his forehead, he could feel a headache coming on. He'd guessed Ponch was female, based off the fact that a week or so ago, he'd seen her at the store. As herself. </p><p>He'd also heard a lot of locker room chatter, between Grossie, Jeb and Bear. Word from them was that Ponch always dressed in a bathroom stall, rather than in front of them like any of the other guys. </p><p>The parts he was shocked about were Jon and Ponch dating and Ponch being pregnant. How was he supposed to explain that one to everyone? </p><p><em>Wait, I don't have to explain to anyone. Baker and Poncherello can do that</em>. He looked at them, shaking his head, starting to go back to anger. "You know you're not supposed to be dating someone on the same shift. Dating is one thing, but sleeping together!? Baker, you're a senior officer, surely you could have figured out that when a rule is in place about dating on the same shift, it obviously means dating is off limits. But you took it beyond that, you got her pregnant!" </p><p>"Sarge-" </p><p>He shook his head. "Save it, Poncherello." </p><p>She bit her lip. </p><p>"What if she didn't know she was pregnant? What if she was on patrol and got in an accident, huh? You're putting her life and your unborn child's life at risk! Don't tell me you didn't notice she was feeling sick, why didn't you take her to the doctor sooner!?" The protective fatherly side of him started to come out. </p><p>"I thought it was just a minor stomach bug, I told Jon I was fine. That's not his fault." </p><p>Joe wanted to give her a hug, but yell at her at the same time. How could his best officer be sleeping with his second best officer? How could they be having a baby? He never thought it would happen, the thought had never even crossed his mind. But now he was scared. </p><p>What if Jon was killed on patrol, leaving Ponch behind to raise the child alone? What if Ponch died giving birth? What if the baby didn't like him? What if he lost Ponch over this? He wouldn't blame her for wanting to stay home to be with the baby, but she was one of his best officers…</p><p>"I know I can't go on patrol. Like you said, it'd put the baby at risk... but what can I do around the station, so I don't go crazy staying home alone all day?" </p><p>Jon sighed, "it'd be safer at home." </p><p>Joe nodded in agreement. "I'll let you know if any work becomes available. But for now, especially during your first trimester, you need to have as little stress as possible. Maybe Betty will come by," he said. Then glanced at Jon, with the 'we need to have a talk,' look. </p><p>Jon nodded, getting the message. He'd hardly gotten the time to talk to Ponch about how she felt over the whole situation. He hoped she was happy, but a part of him knew she might not be. Her job was put on hold, due to a life event that hadn't been planned. They never even talked about having kids before…and now they had to tell everyone else too. </p><p>He felt relieved that Getraer seemed pretty chill about it. Well ish. He could tell Joe was holding back, simply because Ponch was there, and he knew what stress could do to the baby. He tried to be as nice as possible, not wanting anything to happen to her. </p><p>But Jon knew he was gonna get it…</p><p> </p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Chapter 4</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"What the hell were you thinking!? She's one of the youngest officers on this shift. What's that going to look like to everyone else?!" </p><p>Jon shook his head. "I love her, Joe. I wasn't thinking about what everyone else would think, I was thinking about us. She's my best friend!"</p><p>"Harlan is my best friend, but you don't see me getting him pregnant!" Joe snapped back fast. </p><p>Jon bit his lip. "So we should have been more careful. It was an accident, Joe-"</p><p>"That 'accident', Baker could cost Ponch her life! What are you going to do if that pregnancy kills her!?" </p><p>Jon blinked back angry tears. Why couldn't he just be happy? Why did Jon have to receive a lecture? "Joe, I don't think-"</p><p>"It's not something anyone wants to consider. What if she isn't happy? Did you consider that one yet?" He leaned back in his chair. </p><p>"We haven't really talked much since," Jon admitted. "We came straight here."</p><p>"Well you better start talking. You just tasked your girlfriend, your best friend with bringing another life into the world. She trusted you when you two got into that bed, and you better hope she still trusts you now." </p><p>Jon swallowed hard. He could see what was happening here now. Joe was being protective over his officer. He didn't hate Jon, he was worried about Ponch. </p><p>Jon was too. He'd never seen Ponch so sick like she had been that morning. It didn't sit well that it was Jon's fault for it…</p><p>"Look, I'm not mad at you, yet. I'm concerned." Joe looked up, keeping eye contact with Jon. "I'm not going to tell you what to do, but if she isn't happy-"</p><p>Jon nodded, he knew where this was going. He blinked back more tears. Was Ponch going to be okay? Did he hurt her? Did she hate him? Jon didn't know the answers, but there was one thing he did know. He was scared. </p><p>CHPCHPCHPCHP</p><p>Ponch sat in the break room, sipping a water and eyeing the package of ding dongs she had bought. She never thought she'd see a day, where she couldn't eat a ding dong. She had barely opened the package, but the scent made her nauseous. </p><p>She felt lucky she hadn't run into anyone yet, but knew the morning briefing was coming up. All of her friends would be coming into the station soon. </p><p>She sighed, laying her head on the table. I hope Joe's going easy on Jon. </p><p>There was hardly enough time to think more, before someone walked into the room. Jeb. </p><p>He glanced at Ponch, confused at first at the sight of what seemed to be a new female motorcycle cop. He couldn't deny she looked a hell of a lot like Ponch... just female. <em>That can't be Ponch. She didn't even eat the ding dongs.</em> Jeb thought as he grabbed his morning snack and sat across from her. "Good morning." </p><p>His voice broke into her thoughts, she jumped slightly. "Jeb...hi." she pulled her head off the table and forced a small smile. </p><p><em>Oh my god, it is Ponch</em>. "Ponch?" </p><p>She looked down, suddenly remembering she hadn't had the chance to dress up that morning. Everyone was going to know, she didn't even get to hide anymore. "Hi," she replied quietly, then laid her head back down. </p><p>Jeb took a bite of his crackers. "So the rumors were true," he muttered. "I didn't think we were right." </p><p>"You already knew?" This'll make my life easier. She still didn't pick her head up. There had been rumors? She wasn't sure if she wanted to know. </p><p>"We suspected it, but we didn't have a lot of evidence to go off of. Sarge said he thought he saw you at the store the other day, uh...as yourself." Jeb looked down at the table. He wanted to ask why she had been hiding her identity. But he wasn't sure how. He wanted to know why she wouldn't eat her ding dongs, but wasn't sure how to ask that either. </p><p>"Hey, I'm going out for some fresh air," she said, as she lifted her head. "Can you tell Jon I feel fine, and I'm not mad at him?" </p><p>Jeb raised an eyebrow. "Uh, yes?" <em>But why would you be mad? What? </em></p><p>"Thanks." </p><p>Then without a chance to ask anything more, Jeb watched her leave the room. </p><p>Moments after she left, Jon walked in. Jeb could see the worry in the blonde man's eyes, it was written all over his face as well. "You barely missed Ponch," Jeb told him as he stood. </p><p>"Oh shit." </p><p>"She wanted me to tell you she feels fine, and she's not mad at you. I hope that means something, because I'm confused." </p><p>Jon felt relieved to know he wasn't in trouble, but what if she was only saying that? "She? So you- never mind. Jeb, I made a mistake." </p><p>Jeb sat on the edge of the table. We're getting somewhere. </p><p>"I don't know how I'm going to announce this to the shift. But Ponch isn't coming back on patrol for a while." </p><p>"But-"</p><p>"She's pregnant, Jeb. I fucking got my partner pregnant!" </p><p>Jeb's eyes widened slightly, not just from the news. But because Grossie and Bear had entered the room in time to hear it too. </p><p>"Well you don't have to worry so much about telling us if you're already shouting it, Jon," Bear said, half joking. </p><p><em>Shit</em>. Jon turned to see them. "You weren't supposed-" </p><p>"You and Ponch are having a baby?" Grossie frowned. "You mean, you were sleeping together? I thought-" </p><p>"It was all a lie to cover up the fact they were dating," Jeb guessed. </p><p>Jon gave him a look. "Ponch tell you that?" </p><p>He shook his head. "I just assumed." </p><p>Jon sighed, "well you're right." He turned and walked to the briefing room. The room was already full with officers, what he was about to do made his stomach hurt. This wasn't at all the plan.</p><p>"Everyone, quiet down. I think Jon has something to tell us," Grossie said over the noise. </p><p>The chatter began to die down. </p><p>"Tell us Jon, start with the part where you got your best friend pregnant," Bear prompted. He thought it was a joke. </p><p>Jon felt like he might throw up. "It's not really your business what Ponch and I are doing off duty." He started. "It's not really your business who we go out with." </p><p>Bonnie and Sindy took seats in the front row. Jeb, Bear and Grossie behind them. They continued to listen. </p><p>Jon had always pictured this conversation would have Ponch standing beside him. But he tried to continue on without her. "Your emphasis on sexual activity being the main way to decide who's popular isn't okay. You're hurting-" </p><p>"Didn't seem like a problem for you Jon. How long have you been sleeping with your partner?" Grossie piped up. </p><p>"Grossman, look you can think whatever the hell you want. But Ponch and I didn't even have sex until a few months ago, and we've been dating three years!" </p><p>Officers eyes widened, mass confusion and trying to piece this puzzle together. </p><p>"She was intimidated by the way you put someone's sex life above anything else. And yes I'm looking at you, Grossie. You're the worst." </p><p>Grossie opened his mouth to say something. </p><p>"She kept her identity hidden from us for years guys! Ponch has been a woman this whole time. She should have been able to come in day one, feeling confident that we would treat her the same way as any of the others. But she didn't. She came in, ready to see what it was like then just be herself. It didn't work like that. Why do we have to have a work culture like that? She lied about her love life. You don't need all the details. I didn't even know any of this until a few months ago. I wish she hadn't even had to worry about how we'd treat her. I'd like to think we're better than the other guys in her life before us." He shook his head, disappointed. </p><p>"Jon, we like Ponch." Grossie looked around at everyone else, seeing if they were in agreement. "I didn't realize that we-" </p><p>Ponch walked in, "Sarge said you needed me in here-" she started, looking at Jon. She turned seeing everyone else in the room staring. "Well shit." </p><p>"Ponch, I'm sorry," Grossie said standing up. </p><p>She looked at Jon. "What's he talking about?" </p><p>Jon smiled nervously. "I told them about the baby... and about you being a woman. I promise I didn't give any of the details or the many reasons... just that you wanted to fit in." </p><p>Ponch bit her lip. "Okay." She wasn't sure what more to say. Her secret was out...yet somehow she was still alive. But this wasn't at all how she'd planned it would go...</p><p> </p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Chapter 5</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As Jon patrolled the streets, he worried about Ponch. <em>I never asked if she was okay. I never asked how she felt about what happened at the station. I barely said a word, before Getraer offered to give her a ride home. What if he's yelling at her now?</em></p><p>He tried to keep his focus on work, but couldn't help that he kept drifting back to the thought of his girlfriend. His pregnant girlfriend. He wanted to marry her, but feared asking now would make her think he only felt obligated to because she was pregnant. Not because he loved her.</p><p>He did love her. He wanted to marry her years ago…</p><p>CHPCHPCHPCHP</p><p>Joe drove slow, to make the trip longer. "How are you feeling, Frankie?"</p><p>She shrugged, then turned to look out the window.</p><p>Joe sighed. "So-"</p><p>"I'm sorry, I don't really feel like talking," Ponch said quietly, wiping at her tears.</p><p>Joe nodded. "I understand."</p><p>He took her home, in silence. Watching her leave the car he wished there was more he could say, but no words came to mind. He just hoped that Jon took good care of her…</p><p>CHPCHPCHPCHP</p><p>Jon came to Ponch's apartment that evening, with some carry out from Olive Garden. He prayed this wouldn't be the type of food Ponch couldn't eat. He wanted to surprise her.</p><p>When he got to her apartment he found the lights were off. "She can't be in bed already, can she?" He thought as he set the food on the counter, then headed for her room.</p><p>The lights were off, and he could see her curled up underneath a blanket she'd taken from Jon's place a while ago. He smiled. "Hey," he said quietly.</p><p>The sound of his voice caused her to jump. "J-Jon?" She yawned. "I thought you were at work."</p><p>"It's 7, I've been off for an hour," he replied, crawling into bed. "I thought you never went to bed this early?"</p><p>She sighed. "I wouldn't if it weren't for-" she paused, turning to look at him. "Jon, you know I wouldn't tell you I'm tired unless I really was, right?"</p><p><em>No.</em> "Of course, honey."</p><p>"I haven't been pregnant very long, but it's kicking my butt. I'm so tired all the time, and sick…"</p><p><em>And moody.</em> Jon didn't dare say the last bit. "speaking of the pregnancy," he started. "How do you feel?"</p><p>"I just told you."</p><p>"No, no I mean how do you feel about having a baby?" Jon corrected himself.</p><p>"Jon…" she started to cry. "I'm scared."</p><p>Jon wrapped his arms around her. "Honey, it's going to be okay. We'll get through it together."</p><p>"But what if we don't? What if you leave me... or what if you die? Or what if I die? Oh my god, what if the baby dies!? Jon...I didn't sign up for this." She pulled away.</p><p>"Well I didn't-"</p><p>"You did it. This is your baby. You signed up for this, the second you took me to bed and-"</p><p>"Well then you did too! You consented. We knew the possible consequences. It's not my fault. It's ours."</p><p>She sighed, shaking her head. "okay, okay. I'm sorry. You're right." She took a deep breath. "Jon, I don't know if I want this."</p><p>Jon sat up. "What do you mean?" He reached for her.</p><p>She got off the bed. "I didn't plan on having a baby so...soon? Now, don't get me wrong, as long as everything goes well, I'm having the baby. But I’d appreciate it if we don’t have another for a while.”</p><p>Jon nodded. “Of course, I wouldn’t have- I mean, I didn’t plan on this to begin with. But I’ll do my best so it doesn’t happen again. Uh...unless you change your mind. The next time it’ll be planned.”</p><p>Ponch smiled. “Okay.” She tried to act like things were fine, but in the back of her mind she knew something was going to ruin their happiness...</p>
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